Many families find themselves taking their loved ones to the doctor during the busy holiday season. The stress of the holidays can make an already difficult situation even harder. However, it is important to remain hopeful and remember that self-care is key. By taking care of yourself, you can be better equipped to support your loved one.
Getting out of the house
A visit to the doctor can rank pretty high on the frustration scale, for you and your loved one alike.
First, getting your loved one up and out of the house can be a monumental task, requiring maybe two or even more hours. It’s even more challenging when the loved one needs complete assistance with hygiene and dressing.
Then there’s finding parking for the doctor’s office, the test site, the hospital outpatient facility, or physical therapy - whatever.
Does your loved one need the toilet during the visit? This challenge is magnified in the cold winter months because of the extra layers you must deal with.
But that’s just the transportation part. What about the actual visit, and in the exam room with your loved one’s doctor? This can be frustrating as well.
In with the doctor; but opportunities missed
You struggle to remember your loved one’s complaints of the last week. She seems to have a new one every day. It’s especially annoying when the doctor asks your loved one “Mrs. Jackson, how have you been feeling?” and your mother says, just fine doctor!”
The doctor is virtually in and out. The visit is over. She is busily on to her next patient.
Before she leaves, however, your loved one’s doctor asks, “Do you have any questions?”
Indeed, you did have questions. They were so clear and urgent before but now they are just a blur. Between the rushing and traffic, the bored vigilance while waiting to see the doctor and the rush of the visit, your mind went blank. You ‘re mad at yourself because you can’t remember your questions, and they seem so trivial now anyway.
What about the vague symptoms that disturb your mother’s sleep? Her appetite has been off lately, and she complains about her stomach; yet the doctor’s scales don’t show any weight loss. A confusing variety of aches and pains bothered her knees today, her right shoulder before that, her back all the time. Now and then she worries about headaches.
And she is argumentative. “I can never do anything right”, you chafe. “I understand that she’s been upset ever since she moved in with me seven months ago. Her memory and falling made it unsafe for her to live alone. Plus, she’s been struggling since Dad died two years ago.”
“But the doctor doesn’t have time to listen to my troubles. Sometimes I feel she doesn’t take my issues seriously. Mom tells her that she is feeling fine, and the doctor doesn’t find anything in her routine exams and tests, so I feel as if I’m just whining and complaining.”
“Yet I know from experience that as soon as we get home, mom will start complaining again about her aches and pains and her stomach. What do I do?”
You've got a big job
Here are some tips that can help you prepare for and get the most out of your doctor's visit. When you prepare this way, you will get the information you need. You’ll be more confident and able to take better care of your loved one.
Your doctor doesn’t want your loved one to get sick either. She is not only hoping for the best but is prepared to help you achieve that goal if they have concrete information to work with. Your preparation helps provide this.
Remember, you, not your loved one’s doctor, are the true leader of your loved one’s care team. After all, when all is said and done, the buck stops with you. You’re the one who has to face the questions if things don’t go as expected.
What is your goal? Your goal is to get enough of an understanding of what is going on so that you can make good decisions that achieve an acceptable quality of life for your loved one and for yourself.
It’s all about wellbeing
Since this can be a daunting task, I recommend you break it down into three parts. The three parts orient around the word “wellbeing”.
Wellbeing: The state of being comfortable, healthy, and happy. (Oxford Languages). What you want to do is to get a reading on your loved one’s wellbeing from three perspectives: your loved one, the doctor, and yourself. How would each of you, from your unique viewpoints, rate your loved one’s state of being comfortable, healthy, and happy? In other words,
- How does your loved one rate their own wellbeing?
- How do you rate their wellbeing?
- How does the doctor rate your loved one’s wellbeing?
How comfortable, healthy, and happy is your loved one?
In this post, I will focus on how your loved one feels about their wellbeing. How well are they feeling comfortable, healthy, and happy?
“Mom, would you say you’re feeling very good, good, fair, or poor?”
She will probably give you an answer based on how she feels today, right now.
“OK Mom, is that all the time, or just today?”
You may have to go round and round and repeat the question multiple times in multiple ways before you have sufficient understanding. Sometimes you can get the picture the first time you try.
Other times, it may take revisiting the question over several days. This is especially true when your loved one’s memory is poor. With poor memory, they have trouble finding words to express what they feel. You have no alternative but to be patient because your impatience only makes it worse.
Once you have a reasonable feel for how your loved one rates their wellbeing, be sure to write it down. Keep a diary of this information as well as symptoms, complaints, appetite, and level of activity. Even record the vague symptoms that don’t seem to make sense. That way you won’t have to rely on your memory.
It’s important you make the effort to obtain, and record this information, for it tells you how your loved one, through her own eyes, perceives her overall condition. They know what makes them comfortable, healthy, and happy. So, it’s important to start by asking them how they rate their own wellbeing. This can be a difficult conversation, but it’s an important one.
You then have a baseline for recognizing changes. And you can better explain these things to her doctors with greater clarity. Your loved one's self-rating of their wellbeing will help the doctor assess and understand your loved one's overall health.
In conclusion
The holidays can be a difficult time for families with loved ones who have choronic medical conditioons, who are fail, or who are struggling with their health. By remaining hopeful and taking care of yourself, howver, you will be better equipped to support your loved one. Thinkning in terms of wellbeing – comfort, health, and happiness – is a useful framework for accomplishing this.
I introduced my strategy of approaching wellbeing from three perspectiveess: how does your loved one rate their own wellbeing, how do you rate it, and how does the doctor rates it?
Since this post focused on your loved one’s perspective - How does your loved one rate their own wellbeing? - I challenge you to try it out.
Next time, I’ll talk about how your own rating of your loved one’s wellbeing benefits their care.
Until next time ...
Please leave a comment. What words would you use to discover how your loved one rates their wellbeing? Tell us in the Comments.
If you enjoyed this blog post, share it with a family caregiver you know!
Until next time.
Forrest Jones MD
Take my Caregiver Quiz
My website CaringEnd.com
Or reach me at [email protected]